MARRIAGE IN THE AIR FORCE

ROBERT F. McDERMOTT, Colonel, USAF
Professor of Economics and Dean of Faculty
United States Air Force Academy

Address Presented at the Marriage Institute Conference
United States Air Force Academy, 18 May 1958

MARRIAGE IN THE AIR FORCE

Gentlemen of the Cadet Wing and your guests:

For the presentation this evening I have prepared my remarks in the form of a letter from a father to a son. To set the scene, if you will, let us imagine that the father is an Air Force colonel stationed in Europe. It should be easy for you to imagine further that the son is a Second Classman at the Air Force Academy. And let us say that the father's letter is a reply to one from his son announcing to his parents that he plans to become engaged during June Week 1958 and to be married immediately following graduation in June 1959

The father writes:  "Dear Son: You were partially right when you said you knew we would be surprised but pleased to hear of your planned engagement to Nancy in June. We are both very pleased that you wanted us to be the first to know. I cannot say that I am surprised, however, because Spring of Second Class year is a time when many cadets make this very important decision. It is not an unusual coincidence that your mother and I became engaged at precisely the same time

I am not too sure that your mother was really surprised at your announcement. A mother sometimes appears to act surprised when the inevitable happens, particularly when the inevitable is her son's engagement. Your mother's emotional involvement is all the greater since we have not had the opportunity to meet let alone to know Nancy, and we won't have that opportunity until we return from overseas about five days before your graduation and wedding

Your mother has been playing "supposing" games with me ever since we received your letter. The way we play this game is, Mother says, "Supposing Nancy is like so-and-so who has such-and-such a personality trait that has caused the so-and-sos so much grief in their marriage." The only response I can give to this kind of question is, of course, "I'm sure she hasn't," but then, of course, I do not know, and I wonder if you do

In between "supposing" games over the past week, I have been seriously concerned about what our responsibility as parents is to you at this particular time. I know that if we were near you and were acquainted with Nancy we would have a better perspective for judging just what our role should be. I am sure, however, that neither your mother nor I feel that our role as parents is to influence you directly in the choice of your marriage partner. This is a choice that you and you alone must make. Perhaps all that we should do is to try to give you some perspective for making your decision. With this sincere thought in mind and with absolutely no intention of offending you or Nancy, I thought I would take this opportunity to pass on some of your mother's insights that I learned from playing "supposing" games with her

The central problem facing every young engaged couple is to determine whether or not theirs is a case of love or a case of infatuation. This is precisely what the period of engagement is for. It is a period for them to find out about each other and about them-selves. The two questions for you to ponder are, "Does Nancy have personality traits that are incompatible for married life with me in the Air Force?" and "Am I ready for marriage?" On the first question I would like to give you some food for thought that I gleaned from playing your mother's "supposing" games

Does Nancy seem to have a need to influence or control you? This trait may be hard for you to recognize living as you do in an atmosphere where almost every activity you engage in is scheduled and controlled. It is very easy for a cadet to fall prey to a girl whose behavior seems to mesh right in with the daily routine and the cadet way of life. But this type of girl is a most unfortunate choice for an Air Force wife, for her will to dominate affects not only the home but spreads into the husband's command. Subordinates of the officer married to the dominating wife become acutely aware that in this wife-husband relationship the decision maker on promotions, policies, and officer effectiveness reports in the organization is more often than not the distaff commander. Morale in any organization is bound to be low when decisions are made or changed at the whim of the commander's wife

Can you recognize in Nancy a need to injure or hurt you by the use of verbal or other symbolic weapons? Here again, a cadet, who has been through a tough plebe year is all too apt to become somewhat immune to hostility and abuse, particularly if it comes from a pretty face. Marriage to a person with this personality trait would be anything but pleasant and can be particularly unpleasant in the service. The behavior pattern of such a wife is easy to describe. She is the one who never avoids the opportunity to remind her husband of his slow career progress, to ridicule him unmercifully when his name isn't included on promotion lists, to condemn him for placing personal considerations or her desires secondary to mission requirements, to heap abuse on him when his assignment is not in line with her personal likes, and to constantly rebuke him through the device of comparing him unfavorably with other officers. Perhaps one of the most important adjustment problems in the service, requiring all the love, patience, and tact of which a wife is capable, is concerned with promotion. It is the wife who should help her husband over the bad time should his name not appear on the promotion list when he strongly anticipates it. Maybe he wasn't in the right place at the right time; perhaps someone with more experience was selected and his turn will come later. Regardless of the reason the wife should be the first to keep her husband from becoming bitter with the system. It is very important for a man in such circumstances to keep a good opinion of himself and to accept the disappointment gracefully. His wife's support is most important to him at this particular time. The type of wife who is hypercritical of her husband all the time is the one who will make a tragedy out of this kind of disappointment.

Another undesirable type of partner in a service marriage is a wife who has a need for constant admiration, praise and recognition from her husband and others as well. Constant admiration, praise, and recognition are naturally given in abundance during courtship. What is distasteful about it is not your need to give it but your partner's need to receive it. Such a need is usually related to a severe inferiority complex. If a wife has such a need it is not one that can be satisfied by her husband alone; here again the need has its affect beyond the confines of the home. Friends and acquaintances feel compelled to shower superficial praise in a constant stream on such a person for whatever small reason. As a consequence most people prefer to avoid her socially if just to live with their own consciences

To me, the most obnoxious type of wife is the status striver. The red fang of ambition is eternally exposed with this individual. She is constantly and ruthlessly pressing for positions of rank and higher social status. She cultivates people only if they can be a steppingstone to higher aspirations. Lower ranking officers and their wives feel the coldness and the degrading methods of her ambition. Altruism is not one of her virtues. There is a price tag on her efforts. Why men marry women of this type I do not know, but perhaps it is because this trait of selfish ambition is masqueraded as doing good for her man out of love. Be forewarned if Nancy is the kind of a girl who is overly anxious about your academic, military, or athletic advancement as a cadet

Another type of girl to avoid is the one who visualizes you as a protecting father. Her emotional dependence involves reliance upon you for much reassurance, approval, and security. This neurotic dependence may be flattering during courtship, but it is lethal in an Air Force marriage. This is the type of girl who cannot accept a forced separation from her husband if he is assigned to a foreign country without dependents. This kind of wife cannot only impair her husband's effectiveness, but in some cases can seriously affect the accomplishment of the Air Force mission. There are many cases on record in Saudi Arabia where husbands were returned in an emergency to the United States after serving as little as one month of their normal tour. In these cases the Red Cross forwarded urgent messages to the commanding general requesting officers to be returned home because of emotional problems affecting their wives. Not only was the mission in Saudi Arabia seriously affected by these emergency returns, but undue hardships were placed on other officers who had to be assigned as replacements with abnormally short notices. An Air Force with large numbers of these inflexible people would be seriously handicapped in fulfilling its mission through the world

If Nancy has any of the personality traits that I have described as undesirable above, you may wonder at this point whether or not your real problem isn't to make a choice between a wife and a way of life. You may think that perhaps the Air Force makes more unusual demands on its people than other occupations, and that marriage and an Air Force career are all too often incompatible

Let me assure you first that every occupation is in reality a way of life and makes unusual demands on the people involved. Farming, for example, is certainly more than a way of earning a living. The farmer's day necessarily commences in the early hours and the sun is usually setting before he leaves the fields. The life of the farming family is dominated by the weather, soil, crops and seasons. Variety in living is quite restricted as compared to city life. For happiness and contentment in this environment the farming family is compelled to draw heavily on its own resources. If you will pause and reflect for a moment on other occupations and professions I am sure you will conclude that family life is invariably conditioned by the way in which the husband earns his living. To take one more example, think of the doctor. The physician's first duty is to his sick patient. Family dinners, family celebrations, and trips all may seriously be interfered with at times of emergency calls. It is difficult for a wife and children to share the husband and father with others because of his position. Yet, he is an important person and under the circumstances I doubt that the family would wish another lot. In evaluating an occupation and a way of life one must weigh the material and psychological rewards which enable people to accept the strains that can be imposed on marriage by the "long arm of the job."

This brings me to the long arm of the Air Force and the demands it places on the individual and the family. One of your most serious obligations during the period of your engagement is to acquaint Nancy with Air Force life and Air Force wife life. The role of the serviceman is inherent in the mission of the United States Air Force. This mission is one primarily of service--to defend and protect the United States against all enemies. It is important for the family of a serviceman to understand his dedication to a life of service and the impact it will have on family life

Perhaps the hardest thing for service families to take is forced separations for frequent short periods or an occasional long one. It is during these periods of separation that the attitude each partner has towards the service itself is very important. If they regard military service as an intolerable imposition by an arbitrary force, both will find these intervals very difficult. On the other hand, if they believe both of them are engaged in building a world in which their children can be free and family life can be more secure from the social and economic ravages of war, they will have common unity in a great cause. If the free forces of the world prevail because of this dedication, a new and richer world may emerge for all families tomorrow

Even a marriage in which both partners have a mature understanding of and dedication to service of the country is under strain during periods of forced separation. There is a special need to maintain family unity during these separations. A husband and wife should work out ways to keep a sense of kinship. Their letters should be frequent, filled with references to pleasant experiences of the past, activities of the children, events of the present, and the happy times they expect to have in the future. Intimate, friendly, and frequent communication between the husband and wife under circumstances of separation tends to weld them together, whereas infrequent communication may lead to breaking up existing attachments. Aside from the emotional satisfaction derived from writing and receiving letters, the husband is still felt as a vital part of the family and usually continues to share in the decision-making processes. It is apparent that adjustments during periods of separation are most successful when there is a subordination of the interests of the individual family members to the family interest and where the accent is on maximum identification with the family

I have deliberately over-emphasized the family separation aspect of Air Force life since the two and one-half year period of our own family separation came at a time that you perhaps do not remember

At any rate, it is an aspect that Nancy should be made fully aware of and prepared to adjust to before she makes her final decision to become an Air Force wife

You will be a poor salesman, indeed, however, if you cannot give equal or more emphasis to the brighter side of Air Force life

In our home there are many mementos and occasional rare items that should remind you of the concurrent travel we have had at home and abroad. Few occupations offer the broadening experience of traveling and living in many states and foreign countries that the service has given to our entire family

The financial rewards to an officer are something else that should not be disparaged. Even as a second lieutenant not on flying status your take-home pay is equal to that earned by top graduates entering the engineering profession; it is more than the income earned by 75% of the college graduates in the 25 to 29 age bracket, several years your senior; it is more than the income earned by 63% of all families in the United States

At the other end of the rank scale, when you reach the grade of colonel your income will exceed that earned by 96% of the families of the United States and you can retire at a relatively early age on an income which is higher than the earned income of 88% of the families in our population

Another way of looking at this retirement benefit is to compute what you would have to pay each month for thirty years to purchase an annuity that would pay you $738.75 per month for life, starting at age 53. The amount is $267 per month!

In computing your total compensation as a second lieutenant you should add this $267 per month to your $355.68 monthly basic pay and allowances and $100 per month incentive pay if you are on flying status. In fact, if you add up all of the fringe benefits including Social Security, VA Pension and Medicare you will find that the Annual Income Equivalent of a second lieutenant is over $5000. Few married couples start out with such financial reward and security

I hope you will forgive me if I dwelled too long on the point that the period of engagement is one in which you and Nancy have an opportunity and an obligation to get to know each other better and that you have a special additional obligation to acquaint Nancy with service life. Before you render final judgment that you are suited for each other in a life-long partnership in the Air Force you must consciously carry out these obligations with the mature understanding that it is easier to bear the embarrassment of a broken engagement than the misery of an unhappy marriage or the tragedy of a broken home

In closing I would like to dwell on one more obligation each of you has at the time of this penultimate decision to become engaged. Remember that it is a penultimate decision. You have twelve months of going steady and getting to know not only each other but also yourselves before you have to make the final decision. The one question that each of you must answer honestly and openly to yourself before reaching the point of no return is:   "Am I through shopping around and am I ready to settle down?" The implications in the question are too obvious for elaboration, but the implications in the wrong answer are too serious to leave unsaid

I doubt that God or man judges anyone more harshly than the husband or wife who "shops around" after marriage. Whether he masquerades as a "Don Juan" or a "Tiger" or she masquerades as a "Sophisticated Lady" or a "flirt," the philanderer is censured more than he or she is pitied. Society is willing to forgive and to give another chance to the cadet who is discharged from a service academy for cheating on his classmates. But only in the Hollywood version of life is society willing to condone the spouse who cheats on his marriage partner

The period of your engagement is your opportunity to decide whether you can extinguish all "old flames" and immune yourself to all "new flames" in the light of true love in a marriage partnership

Mother joins me in sending our love and our fervent prayer that you will have enlightened guidance and perspective throughout your engagement."